You Butter Believe It!
by Samuel_Williams · 25 October 2026 · Humor & Satire
Tai bursts into the apartment demanding her roommate Vix inspect a pimple on her backside, caused by carrying a stick of butter in her back pocket for six hours to warm it with body heat. Vix, a reluctant philosophy major, is dragged away from her book and into the absurd situation. The story ends with melted butter, an offer of toast, and reluctant laughter.
Tai burst into the living room at full speed, which was her only speed.
Vix was on the couch, legs tucked under her, black hair still wet from the shower, trying to read. The apartment smelled like coffee and turpentine.
" Vix. Vix. Emergency medical consultation. Are you decent? No, wait, am I decent? Doesn't matter."
"Tai, I'm reading," Vix said without looking up. "Whatever chaos you're about to do, no."
Tai was already turning around. She was wearing her giant paint-splattered jeans.
"Okay so, does this look infected to you?" she said, and yanked the back pocket down just enough to moon Vix.
Vix finally looked up, stared, and immediately looked at the ceiling like the ceiling might save her.
"Tai! What are you doing!"
"I'm showing you my butt! There's a pimple! I need a second opinion!"
Vix put her book over her face. "I am not a dermatologist. I am a philosophy major who is angry about existence. Put your pants back on."
Tai wiggled slightly for emphasis. Her messy red hair was falling out of its bun and her pointy ears were red at the tips. "Come on, just look. Is it red? Is it angry? Does it have philosophical meaning?"
Vix peeked over the top of the book, scowled professionally, and glanced.
"Why do you have a pimple there?"
"Oh," Tai said, completely cheerful about this, canines showing. "Because I was trying to warm up a stick of butter."
A long pause.
Vix lowered the book slowly.
"You were trying to warm up... a stick of butter... in your back pocket."
"Yeah! For toast! The microwave is too loud and it judges me. So I thought, body heat, right? Like penguins hatching an egg. But I forgot about it and sat through my three hour life drawing class. And then I sat on the bus. And then I sat on the floor to paint. So it was in there for like, six hours."
Vix stared at her. Then at the wall. Then back at Tai, who was still mooning her with complete earnest optimism.
"Tai."
"Yeah?"
"That is the dumbest thing you have ever done, and you once tried to make printer ink out of beets."
"So is it infected?" Tai asked.
"I don't know! I'm not looking that close! Put the butter back, put your pants back, and if you're worried, go to the student health center instead of showing your roommate your butt at 9 a.m.!"
Tai pulled her jeans back up, spun around, triumphant.
"So not infected? Great, thanks. Oh, also the butter melted. So my pocket is now buttered. Do you want toast?"
Vix dropped her head back against the couch.
"I hate living here," she said, but she was already trying not to laugh.
Indicated by the author: partly created with AI support.
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